Continuing on…

We behold the beauty of life not by forcing it but by witnessing its natural unfolding. The grandest moments always come in natural rhythms and seasons. We behold the beauty of our “humanness” when we open ourselves to the seasons of our emotions, of our vulnerability. True courage is “showing up” and being authentic even when we are most uncertain, afraid, and broken, but still continuing to dare to be alive and to create meaning.

I wrote this reflection on Nov. 19, 2019 without knowing that in the next months things would really tremble, globally. After almost four months of being in quarantine and witnessing the multi-layered impact of the pandemic, I find myself going back to the resolve of this reflection, but in a different way.

Here I am, vulnerable but striving to show up with the help of people around me, knowing that there is a loving God. I continue on with so much uncertainty but not without hope.

I’m vulnerable. I’m not invincible and oftentimes I want to be invisible. These past months I’ve been exhausted and pained by the intersectionality of circumstances, my own and others’ in this shared human ordeal. I believe this is true for many of us as we witness and experience the impact brought about by the pandemic. We are weakened, devastated even, by the sudden changes in our lives with such great loss and chaos. It’s very hard to come to this “new place” and find our footing. The steps continue to be wobbly without a stable ground in sight. The uncertainty is scary and the grief is piercing. These can shatter us, but can also open our hearts to sit with our own and other’s pain with kindness.

It can be tempting to stay down and in hiding without having a clear path ahead (I guess this can be a choice for others). However, I choose to show up not because I’m strong but because I need to. I don’t always succeed but I strive to show up, everyday. There was a story I heard from a colleague years ago that came to my mind when the quarantine started and the struggles became more apparent; it was about a farmer who continues to plant tomatoes even when everything around him is being destroyed. Everyday he goes to his farm to plant tomatoes. This farmer chooses to show up and do what needs to be done. Similarly, during this time, we see people who walk so far and for long hours just to get to work so they can have some food on the table. The owner of my son’s school bus is now delivering fruits and eggs so he can make both ends meet for his family. Indeed, there is a cost to what really matters and it is in that sacrifice that we become aware of what we truly value. We strive to show up for our loved ones, for what we value, even when we are bruised to the bones.

One of the more healing realizations is the awareness that “one is not alone”. Even if I’m struggling, I’m not alone. It’s amazing how we can be sustained knowing that we have family members, friends, colleagues, or even strangers who can be there for us. The struggling together, having fun together, and even making mistakes together can be very life affirming. Somehow, we find meaning when we share our lives with others. During this time, we see around us more people giving support, listening, caring, and sacrificing themselves for others. In this time of crisis, such collateral beauty of looking after each other reminds us that we are sustained by such companionship and charity.

My Guide comes before me holding my hand. As I contemplate on not being alone, I become aware of a profound experience of a Divine presence -there is an Infinite Force of Love holding all of us. A month ago I read a prayer reflection by Charles Ringma inspired by Henri Nouwen; part of it is: “the God of our previous certainties and our familiar world is also the God of the difficult transitions and the God of our uncertain future”. Our loving God accompanies us and tells us, “be not afraid”, “peace be with you” and “I will always be with you”. I let these words hold me, especially when I don’t have the energy to participate in life.

I continue on with the daily grind. Life has become busier with all the transitions to online, consultations, meetings, research, tele-psych with clients, and attending to family. “Got to keep moving forward” is the mantra. However, every now and then I’m touched by a fresh breeze that rejuvenates me. A friend of mine Viber messaged me earlier inviting me for lunch or dinner together as we both miss those dates. We know it’s not really possible at this time but her invitation was so real to me. It was spiritually funny; it allowed me to look forward to the day that it will finally happen. This is one of those moments that gives me hope to continue on. Yes, life these days is uncertain and tiring, but it’s not without hope.

Sumisilip na sinag

silayan ang hinagpis

alalayan ng lakas

abutan ng liwanag

hayaan ang paghakbang

gaano man kabagal

tumuloy, tuloy-tuloy

akapin ang hiwaga

‘di man maintindihan

‘di naman nag-iisa

sa paglikha ng kwento

at paghabi ng buhay